i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
