tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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