the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The beers last night were like the tears from god
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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