how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
