At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
