I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
