I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
