I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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