She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
