So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
