Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
