you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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