I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
