You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
