just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize