I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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