When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
