What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Did I show you my penis last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
