I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
