my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
