we have pet lesbian snakes
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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