i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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