Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i now understand why vodka
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
