I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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