You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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