So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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