atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
