On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
