tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
