and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
