Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
