Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
