i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
