You smell like stripper and shame
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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