tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
only if we run a train.
done.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
