You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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