Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
