I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
