Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
