Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
