U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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