This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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