i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
