My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
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