just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
