I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
