So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
