Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
