These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
