somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
