You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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