I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
