I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
