You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
