you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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