Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
